Premiered 27, 28 &  29 July 2006.

Brisbane Festival Theatre Fringe @ Metro Arts Studio.


Well hello Australia!  I’m so pleased to be here as I just got thrown out of America because Bush thinks I’m a terrorist.


He actually said I was a living weapon of mass destruction.  Apparently my mission of Peace contravenes the patriot act because you know they are at war.  So I flew here on the invisible plane, kind of heard you lock up people who arrive on boats – must be a cultural thing.


As is my duty as an Amazon princess and a delegate from Paradise Island I have to meet with heads of state in all the countries I visit.  Well I flew the invisible plane down meet your Prime Minister.  Fortunately I had no trouble getting an audience with John Howard, after all he is a monarchist and he was keen to meet a real life princess.


So the first thing I said to him was how surprised I was to find all these white people, and how much less green I saw on the land flying over and how I could no longer smell the Eucalyptus as I had hundreds of years ago flying over the Pacific Ocean and nearing Australia.  It sure has changed.  So I asked him about all the Yolongu up north that I once hunted magpie geese with or the Turraball and Jagera near Brisbane – how do they fare?  I met with all the Murris and the Kooris hundreds of years ago but this year I was told you were the head of Australia.  So I wondered how did you receive the indigenous peoples? What sort of treaties and repatriation did you given them for the land?


John Howard grew quiet at this point and I was on a schedule – I had to give a report back to Paradise Island when I got home - because every time I go back to Paradise Island they want to know – have you ended oppression? Are the weak no longer exploited? Are all people in man’s world no treated with respect and dignity?  I had to time to waste - so I tied up John Howard in my lasso of truth – handy thing to have when dealing with heads of state – and this is what he told me:


Well Wonder Woman I’m glad you asked these questions.  Darn this lasso is tight!  Well actually OK alright we massacred thousands of the indigenous people wherever there was land or minerals or water we wanted, course we kept it out of the history books – we actually just pretended nobody lived here and we tried to make that true by killing as many of them as possible.  Then we made them work for us and well what would they have done with the money – we said we held it in trust but we spent it.  Then we took away their children from them, they just kept breeding you see and were not dying out as we had hoped.  Once I got in power I was sick of all this land rights twaddle so I cut we cut most of the funding to their the social services.  I was hoping to create a crisis in the communities.  And it has worked a treat – the media has been great – now everyone just thinks all the indigenous people are just alcoholics and child molesters.  At least they are finally dying off – we cut back on their health services too – most of them have kidney disease and diabetes – probably won’t have anyone to say sorry too pretty soon – heh-heh.  Of course sometimes I worry about Australia’s image overseas what with all the human rights leftie academics complaining endlessly – but it is alright - Aboriginal art is really popular overseas – so things are fine.  Now do you mind untying this lasso Wonder Woman – as erotic as the experience has been.


Suffering Sappho! The truth is funny thing.  I felt physically sick from John Howard’s confession, but an Amazon has to keep going – Merciful Minerva!  I had to squeeze in a meeting with the Justice League before I reported back to Paradise Island.  By the Fires of Hestia! What a shake up lately in the Justice League!  Superman is out of the closet finally – his extra secret identity, the new Batwoman Kathy Kane is an out and proud lipstick lesbian.  Of course Batman has been out for years.  Hawkman and Hawkwoman are the only straight superheroes left in the Justice League – Aquaman has such a fluid sexuality he doesn’t like to be defined.  As for me I think it is high time I put all those rumours to rest about my sexuality – that whole thing with Steve Trevor was blown out of all proportion – I thought Steve was just a really butch lady - I am not – nor have I have been, and never will be, straight.  I’m an Amazon from an Island of all women, only women – there is a reason we choose to live together.


Just had the biggest battle recently – had to blind myself to win – true story – I was up against Medusa, Circe had resurrected her and Athena chose me as her Champion to fight her in a televised bout – didn’t you see it – bet you were all watching the world cup – well I had to wear a blind fold see – because her gaze turns people into stone – well she ripped it off and had me and the only thing I could do was listen for that snake hair of hers flopping in the breeze – I heard a snake nearby, chopped it off and  squeezed the venom into my eyes to blind myself – I took away Medusa’s greatest weapon against me – long story, short, we fought – I won – Athena later restored my sight.


But while I was blind things certainly took a turn for the worse in man’s world.  I’m at the Justice League meeting and as usual Batman and Superman are arguing about who sold the most action figures last week and whose movie had the highest box office takings and I just lost it - For the Glory of Gaea - by the Fires of Hestia! I was like you guys have you seen what is going on at the moment in this supposed civilisation?  Suffering Sappho! The first world has enslaved the third world and gets all this cheap labour to make cheap products so the first world can live in luxury.  Meanwhile have any of you noticed there is a war going on?  Merciful Minerva! Don’t you guys remember fighting the Nazis in the forties?  By the owl of Athena! The world needs us to fight fascism again.  We can’t spend all our time making movies about our lives and designing action figures!


That’s when Superman called me a hypocrite he says: everyone knows you have a movie coming out next year.  Well it was the first I heard about it!  I wanted to know who was making it and why I wasn’t consulted.  Superman told me the name of the studio and I flew straight there on the invisible plane.


First off security won’t let me on the lot – he thought I was there trying out for the role and said: sorry luv from what I hear they want someone tall and slender for the part – more willowy, he explained.  Willowy! You need the strength of the earth and body like an oak tree for my battles – not some twig who will snap in the first encounter with a supervillian!


I finally got to the producers office and stormed through ignoring the secretary buzzing for security, and tied up the producers in my lasso of truth and demanded they tell me what they were doing with the movie.  Well then the lawyers turn up, tell me the studio now owns the copyright on the Wonder Woman name and costume and they hand me a gag order –they were disturbed about all my comments to the media about my support for gay marriage and full financial rights for gay and lesbian couples - you see the producers are worried my politics will jeopardise the G- rating of the film.


Still bound in the lasso of truth the producer reminded me: Wonder Woman we know your mission included respecting and abiding by the laws of man’s world.  He was right. I untied him and left the office feeling defeated.


I flew the invisible plane back to Paradise Island with a heavy heart.  What a report I had to make - I had been thrown out of America for being unpatriotic in wartime, my meeting with John Howard only delivered news of yet more yet abuse and oppression I was yet to end, the Justice League all cared more about fame than ending fascism, and now Hollywood lawyers had bought my name and were preventing me from speaking to the media about any important political issues.


My mission seemed over – I had failed.  I could not end the war, I could not stop poorer nations being exploited by rich ones, I had not reconciled the people who had been invaded in the name of colonisation and exploration, and now I could not even talk about bigotry and prejudice.  How could I fight to end racism, sexism, homophobia, or any oppression or exploitation?  Even in the first world things were just getting worse – even here in Australia if you were working class and mentally ill you know had to live on the streets and even the workers rights were being stripped away turning them into a slave labour force.


I slunk into Paradise Island like a thief in the night, a little trick Catwoman taught me; I drank some wine and cried myself to sleep.  My mission was over. I had failed.


The next morning I woke a little hungover and red eyed from all my crying.  I went to the temple of Athena and I prayed for wisdom.  Even though it was daylight, a tiny bat flew into the temple and settled on Athena’s hand.  I had my answer – how could have I forgotten? – Batman was a millionaire and Batman had always said he would provide a lawyer for any superhero in a position where their noble mission conflicted with some silly laws in man’s world.   By the Box of Pandora !  My hope was restored!


I flew back to man’s world.  Batman got me a special super hero lawyer and they found a loophole in the gag order.  There was a way I could return to my mission of peace and truth and justice – I just had to change my costume and change one word in my name.  I immediately held a media conference.


I declared: I was no longer to be addressed as Wonder Woman : I was now to be known as ‘a’ Wonder Woman, one could think of me as the superhero formerly known as Wonder Woman.  I was returning to my 1940s fighting fascism costume with my skirt and eagle breast plate – they could have those hotpants for the movie.  I was also going to be more proactive in my mission.  It was time I sought out injustice and oppression and directly intervened in wars to bring about peace.  It was time I freed the refugees in prison, and it was high time I gave Australia back to the indigenous people, and about time I opened hearts to understand that any two people who love each other have every right to marriage!


I had been silent and polite in my diplomatic duties for too long.  It was time I raised my voice and was heard.  The next day very few of my words appeared in the papers, but it was a start.  They was one thing I knew for sure from that moment onward – they were never going to shut me up again!


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COWGIRL BARBIE: Howdy Y’all I’ve just been out rounding up the Ken Dolls.


Gotta see which of those lads is ready to go out to stud.  Them’s been a feisty lot this year, those boys what with their magic earrings.  Sometimes I can’t get those Ken’s into line they seem to prefer to spend time with each other more than me – but boy do they love the spurs and the stirrups, and the chaps.  But that boy knows he’s up for the duty, what he was made for – time for him to go out to stud.


I have been called many things – the second coming, the anti-Christ, a symbol of western decadence, too thin and too busty, in just a couple of years I will be fifty and it’s about time I got my due!  In a few years time there will be more manifestations of me, the original blonde white goddess, than any humans on this planet.  They are even fighting wars over me – you think oil and petrol are just needed for cars?  I’m 100% petrovinylchloride – or PVC to the hipsters …


When I first became a goddess in 1959, I had the best hair and the great toymakers thought I should have a mate – so they took some of plastic mould and two years later – poof! Ken appeared fully formed.  My consort – just like the year kings of ancient times, every year we have a symbolic marriage -  That’s when I started getting fancy dresses every year for me’n Ken’s weddin’.


I get a brand new, fancy frilly wedding dress every darn year – been now about  - ooh – lemme see – never was too good with numbers – math’s class is hard – I prefer to go shopping with my credit card so I don’t have to add things up – lemme see first became a goddess in 1959, got consort two years later in 1961 – so I had my first wedding dress in 1961 so that means it has been almost fifty dresses and no darn weddin’ night – not ever!


Well at least I’m busier than a beaver with her dam – being a goddess means being omniscient – do you think it is easy being all at the same time a cowgirl and ballerina and nurse and teacher and every fairy tale princess and every super heroine and every princess from history - all at the same time – every minute of the day.  As I get more popular I’m multi-tasking all over the place – I have more than 6 billion, at the last count, manifestations of my divine Barbarian goddess self all over world – not that I want to boast – but its been less than half a century and I am omnipresent, instantly recognizable and worshipped and reviled.  There aren’t many religions that got started so quickly!


BALLERINA BARBIE: Ahh, Well this is so much better.  A lady should always take care to remain dignified.  Some people, who shall remain nameless, think they can run around and call themselves divine while exhibiting truly base behaviour.  Ballet teaches strength through pain, discipline, hard work, and composure.  A lady should always light up a room when she enters it, and take the time to speak to everyone – especially those beneath you.  Never forget the people you walk on – you need their support.


Unless of course you can get someone else to look after them for you – by keeping them too busy.  How I admire the great leaders of our empire – Bush, Blair and Howard – such proud white men, making sure our values do not change, keeping our country free from terrorists, locking up anyone who looks funny, making sure we always have enough oil and heroin in the west.


Most people aren’t aware of the genius of John Howard and George Bush.  They understand that poverty is just the result of a lack of motivation.   Smart people know how to capitalise on the good from the past and put aside the bad. Howard and Bush are just lucky to live in countries rich in resources – but they personally did not harm any of the original inhabitants, or anyone in fact, the condition of other people’s lives is not their responsibility.  Howard didn’t personally come and take Australia from the original inhabitants, he didn’t personally slaughter millions of them, and he didn’t personally use them as slave labour and misplace the wages held in trust by the government.   And Bush he didn’t personally invade any country did he? And he didn’t personally take America from anyone.  Bush and Howard are just fortunate that in the past all those things were acquired – the land, the timber, the animals, the waterways, the minerals, the oil. 


Bush knows that most ancient of resources that valuable oil is more precious than gold.  Howard knows it would be like handing over a moral victory if he ever apologised for the exploitation that he now benefits from.  He can’t waste time feeling bad about someone else’s mistakes now can he?   He just embraces the good and stays positive, avoiding all that unpleasant negative stuff.


Feel the pain – now that’s what I call living – high heels – now they hurt the most – although I have been through all the tough stuff – I have already had my lower ribcage removed and all of my internal organs compacted – I was under anaesthetic for that – so it wasn’t that big of a deal – but the high heels – they are daily torture and the eyebrow plucking and the leg shaving and waxing – it all takes forever – If I can’t be bothered for a couple of days I become like a wild forest of tangled undergrowth and my eyebrows join up in the centre – people think I just come into that box perfect – they have no idea how much work I have to do everyday just to be perfect enough for that pink box – and still I get criticised!


Those fashion police are always going on about how all my fancy frilly dresses are still puff ball eighties drag queen nightmares – how dare they – I have my signature look and I have never deviated from it – its big, its bold, its fabulous – I was gay before even gay was gay – I have been the avatar of dominatrix sweetie pies the world over – why without me there would have been no Spice Girls, no Drew Barrymore, no Heather Locklear, no Britney Spears, no Paris Hilton – even dare I say no Madonna – and certainly no Kylie Minogue, no Anna Nicole Smith, no Marilyn Monroe, no Jayne Mansfield, no Lily Saint Cyr, and no Brigitte Bardot!


Everybody is copying my look – have you seen the amount of bleached hair these days?  Bleach, bleach, bleach – dark roots are everywhere and I can tell you the curtains do not match the carpet! Although these days it is mostly polished floor boards more than carpets …


But I was the first to be smooth and hairless with tons of blonde hair on my head and all those copycats are getting so popular – how dare they!  It is so important to be popular – but I guess there are some things just as important – like being nice, and being pretty – I’m still the prettiest!  And being loved is important too – and everyone loves me – but, but, the most important thing in the world – don’t forget this ladies – the most important thing in the world is to be looked at!


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I am the last one left – but I was also here first …


I am Lillith the oldest and most powerful goddess in the universe.  I have been watching all of you for a millennia and I’m not one of your fluffy earth mother goddess types forget your incense and neopaganism cosiness - not me sweethearts, not me at all.  I have the messiest, bloodiest, dirtiest job of all. I was here first and I will always will be here - I guard the portal of life and death – I take the babies that die as they are born, I govern the blood that pours from women’s passages each moon, I watch over the dying and the dead and I make sure they decay to give fuel for the new life.  My job means getting my hands dirty in the blood drenched wombs and the rotting, decaying flesh – some call me the first vampire, others have named me patron goddess of holy menstruation!


But the thing is you lot seems to have forgotten about me!  I have seen what you do to each other – any difference you find an excuse to kill each other.


You uphold the beauty of women but you use it as an excuse to rape them, try to keep them ignorant and poor, see them as less than the men.  You idiot humans – pretending there are just two genders – I’m at the portal you little fools I’m at the arse and the cunt and the cock – I see all the bits and pieces – you humans have more than five genders – sure there are more born male and female but still at least one in every one thousand of you is not male or female but one of the many other genders.  But do you even have a name for all those you reject?  Oh you lump then together in the category of Hermaphrodite – how ironic – Hermes the messenger and Aphrodite the goddess of love – the love messengers that you hate and reject!


And your colours!  You fools even use that as an excuse to massacre and steal and lie from each other!  You white people aren’t even white – you are pink!  Yet you pink ones think that anyone with a darker skin has no right to their land or their lives!  I used to find all of this funny – thinking you mortals were young and would slowly learn – but no!  You kill over genitals, over colour, and even over love!  With your absurd idea that only men and women may love each other therefore you think that gives you a right to attack and push aside any man who loves a man or woman who loves a woman!  I am utterly disgusted with you mortals and I can no longer stand the sight of you – you even treat your own planet with the same contempt you treat each other!  So fuck you – the lot of you – this is it!  I’m bringing down some of the fire and destruction you have brought to my sisters!


Sure I was having a tea break with Hecate during the witch trials but we smelt all the flesh being burnt at the stake – we were the ones who had to clean up the mess!  And your scapegoating and abuse continues – you learn nothing – so I am here to destroy you all.  Death and destruction babies – watch your pathetic little planet go up in flames.  Ever since creation you have only worked to harm each other.


I have seen it all – let me tell you how your creation really went down – I was just hanging out at my portal of life and death minding my own business when this god character stars making himself angels – the first angel he creates is Lucifer the bringer of light and he creates Lucifer to only love him – thing is god gets bored and decides to make himself a man – calls him Adam and god tells Lucifer to love Adam – trouble is god hadn’t planned this through – god forgot he had created Lucifer to only love god – Lucifer just wasn’t made to love Adam.   Lucifer isn’t into this three-way that god wants and god and Lucifer start having the biggest screaming queeny hissy fight.  The whole universe shook at their love spat until god ends it by shoving Lucifer down to hell.  He sees me hanging around and renames me the demon of death that kills babies and makes women bleed and he named Lucifer as the great deceiver and liar so that no one would ever believe him and god could continue in his despotic reign of terror.


Trouble is god misses his first love and things just aren’t working with Adam.  God is trying to set himself up as the lord of all creation – trouble is I have been here all along – so god figures kill two birds with one stone and marries me off to Adam.  What was he thinking?  I’m an immortal, infinite goddess and Adam he was literally born yesterday!  Adam tried to dominate me but I won’t have it – I said I would stand by his side as an equal but that isn’t good enough for the first man – so I left Adam to stomp around Eden bossing around all the animals.  God decides he better make a woman for Adam and he creates Eve to be his companion and lie beneath him.  So Adam and Eve are hanging out in the Garden of Eden all naked and without shame and having a good time.


One day while Adam was having a nap I went for a slither about on my magical tree of knowledge and I says hello to Eve and she is all shy and says: god doesn’t want me talking to you Lillith he doesn’t want my head filled with too many ideas, he says I’m his creation and only should only listen to him.  That makes me laugh and I say hey baby don’t worry and I tell her about pleasure and blood and the power of the womb and you know one thing leads to another.  Then Adam walks in on me and Eve getting it on.  Adam is angry and demands god must do something.  So god throws Adam and Eve out of Eden and tosses me down to Hell with Lucifer.


Now not many of Adam and Eve’s children are following God’s rules and getting into heavan – most of them are coming down to hell with Lucifer and I.   We offer haven and compassion to every soul – we don’t judge them like god does  … we care for all those that god rejects.  We accept everyone down in hell – it is warm and cosy, and we have the best parties and the best drugs.


Well god is rather jealous that hell is so popular so he sends a flood and wipes out all those who don’t believe him – the only survivors are some boat people Noah was trying to evacuate.


After the flood god sends a rainbow and tells Noah as long as he obeys his will no longer be god send any floods, only the life giving rain for crops.  Noah is way happy and he plants a vineyard and celebrates a little too much when the first wine is fermented.  He gets drunk as a skunk and staggers to his tent passing out in the nude.


Noah’s son Ham walks into the tent and sees his dad pissed and naked – he calls his brothers to come check this out – those boys they walk backwards into the tent and throw a blanket over Noah – they hide his shame – only Ham is brave enough to confront the truth that their father Noah is an alcoholic.  Only Ham cared enough about his father to try and have an intervention.


But does Noah reward his brave and honest son – no instead Noah wakes up and is so angry that Ham saw Noah’s drug and alcohol problem that he curses all the sons of Ham to be the slaves of the sons of his brothers – they say the sons of Ham were marked - were dark – and that was the excuse you horrible little humans used to enslave Africans, to take Aboriginal land, to create Apartheid, and to believe in the sick idea of white superiority.  You vile creatures saw racism as a god given declaration!


Oh it is so funny now isn’t it?  Now the whole son of Ham idea has been debunked – but these days you use the bible as an excuse to hate anyone who makes love with matching genitals!  You use the same part of the bible that condemns wearing clothes woven of different cloths, eating shellfish or wearing glasses.  But I don’t see any supposed Christians protesting outside haberdashery departments or the fish and chippy or the optical superstore!


You just can’t take any responsibility for your own actions can you?  Instead you find a way to interpret a old book and claim it lets you murder in the name of the sacred!


And it isn’t just each other that treat with such contempt – your planet is dying from your greed, the ice caps are melting from your filthy pollution that keeps in too much light – your animals are dying cause they have nowhere to live – do you realise you have less then a decade before you cannot even live on this planet anymore?


Hell I don’t need to kill you people – you are doing to yourselves – but unless you all want to die you better start treating each other with some respect – time you cared more about other people – because if you want to pretend all these problems are too big for you – think again – every day you have a chance to care for another more than for yourself – to consider the needs of those around you more than your own desires!


If you don’t start finding compassion for each other – if you don’t stop finding any excuses to kill each other – then it is goodbye water, goodbye land, goodbye animals, good bye each other, and it will be THE END.